6/26/07 Gaymazing!

The weather was extremely hot, nearly cloudless, and I came away with a nasty sunburn, and feeling somewhat yucky from the heat, but still I was amazed by this year's Pride celebrations. In spite of the oppressive weather, there were large numbers of people, in the thousands, along the parade route and at the pride fest grounds. Who would have thought it would be like this years ago, during the humble pride celebrations and events in the post Stonewall years? What was also amazing is that I saw very few people I knew, yet there were lots of gay folk all around me. I overheard one person at the parade say, "There certainly are a lot of us, aren't there?"

If anyone is willing to give out any gratitude, surely the work and dedication of early pioneers in the gay movement laid the groundwork for this. Unfortunately, many of those pioneers are not here to see the result of their efforts because they were victims of the holocaust of AIDS.

What I also found interesting was the variety of age groups at the festivities and even more interesting, was the increasing lack of apprehension about being gay or being "out", that is, being identified as gay. It is so good that younger generations may not have to go through the crap of trying to fit into a totally straight society or go through not fun feelings of self hatred or personal anguish just because they're gay. A tip of my hat and a Rick Chris bow goes out to the younger generations; you rock, kids!

I do remember comments from some right wing types some years ago that AIDS would be the "final solution" to the homosexual "problem". Ooops! That didn't happen did it? The powers that were at the time ignored the epidemic until now it's a severe world wide problem.

I admit my usual pessimistic self is amazed to see the explosion of gay expression in the arts, politics, entertainment and so on during the past few years. All this in spite of a very unfriendly U.S. presidential administration and a congress controlled by the Republican party which is huggy-face, kissy-poo with the religious right. Elements which are not above playing political dirty tricks.

I guess what accounts for all of this is that the there are maybe a little more of us than the social conservatives figured. I think an intellectual maturing also figures into this because people are now wanting to be who they are rather than trying to live life roles assigned by the church or state. I believe this makes for a much mentally happier populace, perhaps less inclined to be manipulated by the powers that be into wars or other malicious behavior.

What I believe was instrumental in this gay explosion of the past few years, was something called the Internet. You've all probably heard that old saying that "a little knowledge is a dangerous thing". Well, a whole lot of information, like that which can be googled up on the web, goes a long way and changes society. The Internet, again, is a people thing. Large groups of individuals built the content of the Internet, not states, religious or political entities. So what we are seeing now is a society increasingly being built by the needs of people, not the demands of states, political parties, churches or corporations.

On a whim, I googled up the hit songs of 1969, the year of the Stonewall rebellion. One of those songs was "Age Of Aquarius" by the Fifth Dimension, the song originated in the Broadway muscial "Hair". Perhaps now we are on the dawning of a new age; I don't know whether it will be good or bad, but things are indeed changing. If we keep our guard up, we can keep what we have and make things better for ourselves, gay folk who come after us and everyone else, for that matter.

Truly gaymazing! Happy Pride to you all. Hope you had a good one and allow yourself to savor what good things you have.

September, 2007

Time Passages
Recently because of some issues with the building I live in I had to move some items around and go through a lot of my personal belongings. In the process of going through my stuff I ended up coming face to face with a lot of memories, the good and the unfortunate. When you look at something which contains a lot of detail about the past, you reflect on the past with the knowledge you have in the present - you know, that sort of "If I only knew then what I know now".

In going through some of the old material I also had realizations about the past, having the information I have now, I realized something totally different was going on in past situations than I thought was going on. Mostly this had to do with old jobs I had, looking at old remnants and reminders of some places I worked I found myself wondering why I put up with what I did. Reflecting, all the job I issues I faced had nothing to do with the work I did but issues people had with my sexuality. Some of the companies I worked at during my last years in the corporate world were sheer hell to work at if you're gay. Oh, people do have inquiring minds. If only some companies would put as much energy into running their business as they do into inquiring about people's personal lives. (I've noticed many of the same companies have since taken the corporate Titanic route.)

To not digress any further, the reason for this particular rant is to write about an object I found. The item in question was my bowling bag and ball. Do I bowl? No. Yet, I've kept the ball and bag for decades. Why? Well, you see, the ball and bag were purchased and given to me by an old boyfriend. He was a very ardent and champion bowler and he was determined to make a good bowler out of me. As try as he might, the best I ever became was a mediocre bowler, though I did have my good days. Boyfriend was an excellent bowler and he totally amazed me how he could put a spin and a hook on a ball and get a strike nearly every time.

Boyfriend's name? His name was Randy, and that's why I used the name for Beef Matson's assistant in my gay detective series of the same name. However, personality wise, I modeled the character Brett in the story after my old boyfriend Randy.

Randy

You know, when I opened the bag a few weeks ago, the first time in who knows how long, it was just like opening a time capsule. The bag is still like new, insulated against the years that past outside. Inside the bag, below the ball, were the bowling shoes Randy had bought me. There was a full can of baby powder in the bag (bowlers know what that's for) and even some rags in the bottom of the bag. After all this time it's like the bag is still waiting for Randy to come and take me bowling.

Randy was extremely good looking and very athletic with a runner's body. Looking back, we seemed to have had a very close relationship though turbulent at times. I wondered why Randy had chosen to be with me when he was really the very popular guy. He told me he just liked being with me, liked my sense of humor and I reminded him of his family.

Anyway, Randy wanted to ultimately move to Los Angeles and he wanted to become part of the movie industry. He had lived there before and had contacts there and he even had photo portfolio of himself. He wanted me to move there with him. Being the always practical one, that idea was terrifying to me. Eventually, we broke up. Randy moved to Los Angeles and I guess he did become some part of the motion picture industry, but I have no idea what happened to Randy, where he might be, or what he might be doing.

I eventually moved across country, but at this stage in my life I am left wondering if I had made the right decision with my move. Would my life had been better if I moved with Randy? Oh gosh, those decisions. As a I get older, I realize how profoundly different my life might be if I had made different decisions.

I'm aware that sometimes we do dress up the past, making it become rosier in our minds. Sometimes we make people better than they were. There are also people who make such indelible impressions on us that they do stay with us for the rest of our days. They may have not have been the heros we would like them to be, they may have had flaws, there may have been things about them that we didn't know - but they remain special to us, a precious person that our minds keep regenerating the memory of. A very special person that, for whatever reason, our minds refuse to forget. Perhaps that's the way it's supposed to be.

My bowling bag keeps waiting for Randy to come and take me bowling.

November 29, 2007
AIDS, HIV And Gay Men - Personal Experiences

Since World AIDS Day is December 1st, I thought I'd share some experiences I had with being gay and having some issues about HIV. A few years ago, I remember it was right around my birthday, I took some trash out to the dumpster in the alley next to the building I live in. While doing so, I noticed someone had discarded some fairly new computer equipment and I decided to retrieve it. What I didn't know was that someone had maliciously place a used hypodermic needle on top of the keyboard, stuck nicely in between the keys. When I grabbed the keyboard, I felt a sudden sting and pulled my hand back only to see in horror, the needle sticking out of it - and it drew blood.

Well, understandably I was a bit upset about this and later called some local AIDS hotlines to get some information. What I found curious is that the people I talked to told me they could give me very little information as to the likelihood of getting infected from a discarded used needle. (I was able to get much better information later from people I knew on the net who were medical professionals.)

Anyway, the final advice I got was to wait so many weeks (I guess it takes so many weeks for evidence of HIV to appear in the blood stream before a test can be done.) Finally, I made an appointment to get tested for HIV at a local clinic run by Denver Health. When I went in to get the blood test, I was interviewed by a staffer who wanted to know why I wanted to be tested. I told him about the needle stick. He asked me other information about my sexual orientation and I told him I was gay. He wanted to know about all my sexual partners. I told him I had not been sexually active for awhile, which was the truth.

The staffer then told me I was lying and he didn't believe a word about the needle stick. He then told me that there was no kidding him, he knew that all gay men, including myself, were promiscuous sluts. He further informed me, during our one sided discussion, that I should consider having sex instead with straight, white women, because statistically, straight white women have the lowest HIV levels. He pressed me again for information about my sex partners and I informed him that there were none, which was the truth, his attitude seemed to be that he just wanted me to name names, regardless of whether I had sex with the person or not.

I found it truly amazing that a person employed as a professional dealing with AIDS/HIV prevention would have such attitudes, though I've found the attitude that straight white women are immune to AIDS to be common. For instance, some women I've worked with who tried to "reeducate" me about homosexuality and AIDS, had the attitude that AIDS was a punishment for being gay and a deterrent for men to keep them from "going" gay and that if gay men would just "go straight", they wouldn't get AIDS. There were also women who were convinced that straight white women did not and could not get AIDS and that the only women who did get AIDS were non-white, because somehow non-white women were somehow engaging in something dirty. The ladies who would come up with these little gems of misinformation seemed to be ignoring the published information about HIV/AIDS and instead relying on information they were getting from their relatives, girl friends or the conservative churches they belonged to. Erroneous and dangerous information because AIDS is still an incurable disease and HIV viruses are incapable of caring whether someone is a white heterosexual female or not.

Getting back to my blood test for HIV, the staffer finally got around to taking my blood test, though he had gotten very angry with me for not admitting I was having sex with dozens of different partners. (It was like, please, what sort of fantasies is this guy having?) I was supposed to come back for test results and "consuling" but I never came back. The guy who was the staffer at the Denver Health HIV clinic was such a ignorant jerk, I decided not to come back for the results.

Some time later, I went in to see a doctor for some other health issues and brought up the needle stick and my concerns about HIV. The doctor was a lot more considerate, believed me about the needle stick and gave me some reassuring information about getting stuck by a used needle. He arranged for me to get an HIV test from their HIV clinic. I went to get tested again. However, the clinic lost my test results, so the doctor had his clinic staff take a blood sample from me for HIV testing. This time the results weren't lost. After several months of not knowing, I found out I was - HIV negative.

Recently, after the building I live in was sold, through a series of events, I came into contact with some people who knew the original landlady who managed the building when I first moved in. The original landlady was not what you would call a people person, she was very strange, quirky person with lots of mood changes. I have since learned that this was probably because she had a "secret" substance abuse problem.The woman retired from management a couple of years ago. Anyway, as soon as I had moved into this building, the old landlady took way too much of a personal interest in me, asking a lot of questions about my relatives, friends, how much things I owned were worth, etc. The landlady and some of her cronies even took to following me around, i.e. when I'd go to the bank, pick up a package at the post office and so on. The woman and her equally wacky assistant manager took to sitting a good part of the day just outside my apartment. Some other tenants also told me that the landlady would from time to time to also go into my apartment to explore while I was gone. When I asked the landlady if she had a problem with me, she would deny anything was wrong. Things got to the point where I went to the police to ask for advice.

Well, now that the old landlady has been retired for awhile and the building has been sold to another party, I finally was given some information as to what the old manager was up to, by some people who knew her and did business with her. Seems that the old landlady managed the building from the early 1980s and she identified all gay men as having AIDS. I guess what the deal was, is that having gay men with AIDS as tenants, to her meant that they would die and she would do a snatch and grab of their possessions and then make good money selling the merchandise.

Apparently, the old landlady had decided I had AIDS, she was also spending a fair amount of her time looking over my belongings and she was trying to get as much information as to whether I had any relatives or friends living close by. Guess she didn't want anyone getting in the way when I conveniently dropped dead and she and her cronies did a quick snatch and grab. I guess I was frustrating the hell out of the woman by not suddenly getting very ill. Ironically, I did develop a serious illness after living in this building for awhile, but not HIV related, but a respiratory illness.

What bothers me is I'm learning that this vulture attitude towards gay men may actually be fairly common. Quite a number of people have known gay men who have died of AIDS, and their memories include the estate sales after the funeral. I remember an experience I had at a building where I rented a condo prior to moving to this building. At the time, I had to leave for work very early in the morning, sometimes an hour or so before sunrise. At that early hour, I would see one of the other tenants, one of the wealthier, older retired tenants listening at the door of another tenant. I wondered why she would be snooping so early at this other person's door. What I found out quite some time later is that the tenant whose door she was listening at, was a guy who was ill with AIDS. The dear woman was merely wanting to be the first to know if and when the guy passed so she might be able to get her hands on a few items of his she thought she might like.

It would appear there is still a ways to go regarding attitudes about HIV and AIDS. It also occurs to me that when people state that AIDS is a judgment by God against the people who have the disease, I think there may be a judgment involved, but not of the person who has AIDS. I think the judgment falls upon those who treat victims of AIDS with callousness, greed, indifference, prejudice or hatred.

January 19, 2008
Monsters and Bigots

Recently, I became aware of some passings due to AIDS and some individuals with the illness who are not doing very well. The painful fact is, that after decades of this disease, it is still infecting new victims and is still incurable. Yes, there are new treatments for the illness, but people are still dying from it and others are dealing, sometimes not very successfully, with the long term effects. It is very easy to get an illness such as AIDS simply because humans can't see viruses and I should point out that there many ways of getting AIDS outside of a sexual encounter. I've also been made aware that there are many heterosexual victims of the disease, except that the topic of straight people with AIDS is often handled with much more discretion and secrecy. Regardless of sexual orientation, AIDS and any disease like it, is a waste of a life that could be directed to things other than dealing with a long term illness.

It's not a good idea to have an incurable, and what can be fatal, illness around. From what we now know of microbes like the AIDS virus, they do mutate as a matter of course, and someday we might end of with a variation of AIDS which is transmitted even more easily, maybe as an airborne disease. Probably won't happen, you say, but there is no wisdom in allowing a normally fatal incurable disease in our midst and it would be great wisdom to finally find a cure for AIDS and eliminate this monster among us for once and for all.

***

Recently, I made a visit to the main library and in the huge lobby there were a large number of exhibition panels devoted to Jewish history. I'm not Jewish, but I'm kind of a history freak, so, having some time to kill, I looked at some of the panels. I found the panel for the decade of the 1930s very interesting. In particular, there was a copy of a handbill. The caption below the handbill said it was posted on the doors of residences in the Los Angeles area after some Jews in the entertainment industry started an anti-Nazi organization. The handbill purported to be from a group calling itself "Concerned Christians" rallying Christians and gentiles for a boycott and the isolation of Jews and Jewish owned businesses and Jewish organizations. At the top of the handbill there was a caricature of an older Jewish man who seemed to be menancing an innocent young non-Jewish woman.

The handbill went on to accuse Jews in the entertainment industry of raping young gentile women and recruiting them into a life of sexual promiscuity and drug use. It further accused Jews of using the Hollywood film industry to ruin America's morals. The odious handbill ranted on a bit more and wrapped things up by accusing Jews of being in control of the world Communist movement. A little further down on the 1930s panel, there was a copy of a telegraph, I think to the British foreign office, stating that it appeared that the Nazis were beginning a campaign of mass extermination.

What impressed me about the handbill is how much it was like similar materials I've seen attacking gays, right down to being from some "concerned Christian" group. Could it be that the haters have been using a template over the decades and just substituting names of different groups that they've decided they don't like. I mean, you could remove the word "Jew" and subsitute black, gay, Catholic, Mormon, Pole, liberal, Eskimo, New Yorker - whatever, and still have the hate handbill reading much the same. Apparently, the hate mindset remains exactly the same through the years, very sad. I would like to think, that maybe people have learned enough from the history of the past fifty years to see hate for the garbage that it is and nip it in the bud, long before it leads to mass exterminations.

I've been reading in the news lately about the emergence of anti-biotic resistant infections. Of course, some "concerned Christian women" accused gay men of being behind the rise of these types of infections. (Hmmm, sounds like a handbill I read recently.) Bull-pucky. If anything, gay men tend to be nothing more than the canaries in the coal mine as far societal problems go, be it infections, being the first to lose jobs because of the economy and so on. Regarding anti-biotic resisitant infections, here's the low down.

Infections that are resistant to antibiotics, mean that those microbes have been exposed to those antibiotics enough to mutate into resistant strains. This is usually due to misuse of antibiotics. During the last few jobs I had in the corporate world, I found that many of the lady office workers routinely sold, traded and shared prescription drugs among themselves. I have no idea how they obtained the drugs, but these ladies had pills, a lot of them. Painkillers seemed to be the most popular, but some women popped antibiotics whenever they had a headache or the sniffles. Antibiotics don't cure headaches or sniffles that might be due to a cold (antibiotics don't work on viruses) or allergies. This misuse of antibiotics leads to resistant strains of bacteria. A few months ago I saw a segment on the TV news about stores in Hispanic neighborhoods that were selling without prescription, antibiotics brought up from Mexico. Again, a practice that encourages casual use of antibiotics which develops resistant strains of infectious bacteria.

Outside of misuse of prescription medications, there are also a number of other factors that currently exist that might bring the rise of some nasty diseases. The large and increasing number of homeless people and people living in substandard and unhealthy housing or motels, including many children. People, like the working poor, who can't afford enough food for a proper diet or medications to treat illnesses. Meth use. I was only recently educated as what meth is and why people use it. I was also educated recently to the fact that some people start using meth because it enables them to keep going without sleep;such as people who are working two or three jobs. Meth is very corrosive and toxic and will destroy a person's immune system, among other things.

What scientists have learned from past epidemics and the sudden appearance of "new" diseases, is that some benign microbe that's been around for quite sometime, will make the jump into the human population and become some nasty epidemic when a large portion of the population is under a lot of physical stress and enough individual immune systems have been worn down to the point to allow some new bug to gain a foot hold. Exactly the way things are now, wide open for a nasty epidemic to take hold. Lots of homeless people, working poor, the middle class stressed out by merely trying to keep what they have, lots of people who are not eating well with no or little health care - that's more than likely what's behind any new problems in the health arena. The destruction of the middle class and consolidation of wealth increasingly into a small group at the top will come at a terrible cost which will include the erosion of the health of the nation.

This is all due to the economic policies of the past several years of trying to return the United States to the way things were in the Victorian era, not because gay men might be dating each other or meeting their friends for coffee. Give me a break. (Nor are we behind or in control of the world Communist movement.)

Further note: The recent outcry about the bacteria, methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus, focused only on the spread of the microbe in gay men only. However - a wider survey was done of the male population in the New England Journal of Medicine. In the journal, medical researchers were studying football players, specifically the St. Louis Rams. In particular, linebackers.

In their investigation, MRSA infection occured only among linemen and linebackers, probably because of frequent contact among linemen during practice and games. "All MRSA skin abscesses developed at sites of turf burns," according to the journal.

The journal study also revealed that football people are not that clean. The authors reported they observed a lack of regular access to hand hygiene for trainers who provided wound care, skipping of showers by players before using communal whirlpools; sharing of towels - all factors that helped transmit the infection in the football setting. The authors of the football study concluded that the perilous USA300 strain "was present in diverse regions of the United States".

Perhaps the zealous concerned Christians should be demanding an end to football as well.